I think I'm beginning to get a handle on this discontent thing.
That doesn't necessarily mean I'm "dealing" with it, per se, only that I've developed a small theory on the matter. I'm starting to believe this haze of personal unfulfillment is based extensively on the idea of Expectations. I mean, it's no wonder Dickens' opus on maturity in Western Civilization uses the theme directly in its title. Whether it's one's self-expectations or those of family or society, happiness seems to be measured in the achievement of (pre-)determined goals. Societal norms, family traditions, even ideals churned out by the most revered of religious institutions, Hollywood, play an enormous role in what I believe to be ingredients for "true" happiness. Unfortunately, being able to see your destination ahead doesn't mean you actually know how to get there.
I suppose this is the point where the adage "the journey is half the fun" should run up and punch me in the face then tell me to smarten up. And I would be thankful toward that randomly violent adage for shaking things up a little. However, upon a moment's reflection, I would realize that things have been shaken up on numerous occasions previously. Yet I remain discontent. My greatest flaw, according to myself, I should say (who knows what everyone else "tsk tsks" over when thinking of me), is that I'm perpetually philosophizing about the destination without effectively applying myself to the journey.
I am on a path. I have to believe that. It would be quite disheartening to consider otherwise. Whether that path is predestined by some guiding force or dependent, step by trepid step, upon my own choices, I believe I am on my way somewhere. The past five years have been relatively cyclical, in hindsight. My current career has a large part to play in that. The ups and downs of life have almost always paralleled those I have experienced in show biz. Now, encouragingly enough, I am on the precipice of potentially the greatest "up" of my career. That will undoubtedly translate into a unprecedented acme of self-worth, a prospect I am anticipating immensely. But as the cycle progresses and I recognize more similarities between aspects of life both healthy and un- from the past, I approach each new experience with a heightened caution. Never a bad thing, you might say... It's a sign of maturity, another you might say...
I want to be able to announce to the world with reckless abandon and utmost confidence that I am irrevocably on my way. I want to state in a voice of permanence that I am taking on the expectations I have placed on myself with no chance of failure. I long to shout out at the top of my lungs that I have blazed my own path to my own idea of paradise whether it bears a likeness to that of the populus.
I am on my way... I guess it's simply time to walk the walk.
